9th June 2020

“Arnie! Stop putting stones in your nappy!”

I FEEL LIKE ON DAY ONE OF MY BLOGGING I’LL START WITH MY 6AM WAKEUP CALL, NOW, I FIND THAT A RATHER LATE WAKEUP CALL ACTUALLY. EVERY MORNING I HEAR THAT BOOM THUD THUD THUD THUD “MAAAAAAAM CAN A WATCH YA PHONE” AHHH IT’S CHILD NUMERO ONE. NO BOTHER KID WATCH IT AS LONG AS YOU LIKE. APPROXIMATELY 7 MINUTES LATER SHE’S CHASING THE DOG ROUND MY ROOM AFTER ME BEGGING HER TO BE QUIET SO SHE DOESN’T WAKE CHILD NUMERO TWO. SO IT’S DOWNSTAIRS WE GO, ONLY FOR THE DICK HEAD DOG TO BARK. YUP THAT’S CHILD NUMBER TWO UP.SO WHAT’S FOR BREAKFAST? RICE KRISPIES, WEETABIX OR PORRIDGE. NO MAM WE WANT HOTDOGS ON TOAST. NOW IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY IRRESPONSIBLE FOR ME TO ALLOW THAT, BUT ANYWAY CUT A LONG STORY SHORT WE COMPROMISED AND THEY HAD HOT DOGS ON TOAST FOR BREAKFAST.JUST KIDDING THEY HAD 3 CEREALS MIXED TOGETHER YEAH GREAT WHAT EVER.MY CHILDREN ARE 4 AND 1 NEARLY 2 (NOT ONE TO SAY MONTHS CAUSE I DON’T COUNT AFTER 11) AND THEY DO NOT STOP EATING. I KNOW I KNOW “IT’S A GOOD THING” “BETTER THAN THEM NOT EATING” “YOU ARE LUCKY THEY EAT” YES BUT I AM SKINT DON’T YA KNOW!SO ANYWAY KIDS HAVE RECHARGED AFTER BREAKFAST AND I THINK GREAT HAVE MY COFFEE. DUNNO ABOUT YOU OTHER WONDERFUL MAMS BUT I HAVE WELL AND TRULY MASTERED THE ART OF DRINKING A HOT COFFEE WITH TWO KIDS AND A DOG SAT ON ME WITHOUT SCALDING ANYONE! I KNOW THERE IS STILL TIME BUT I THINK I’M EXPERT LEVEL NOW SO PROBS WON’T HAPPEN.QUICK LET’S GET DRESSED THE SUN IS OUT TIME FOR THEM TO BE CHUCKED OUTSIDE. YOU TWO GO PLAY NICE…PPPPFFFFT YUP SURE.OK SO I RECKON I CAN GET MY TWO BASKETS DONE IN THE GARDEN WHILST THEY PLAY NICE, OH HOW VERY VERY WRONG.“MAAAAM ARNIE HAS TAKEN HIS TROUSERS AND NAPPY OFF AND HE’S PUTTING STONES IN HIS POO”JESUS CHRIST! THANKS CHILD ONE FOR BEING A SNITCH! OFF I STORM WHILST SHOUTING FOR FUCK SAKE FOR ALL THE NEIGHBOURS TO HEAR.NO NAPPIES DOWNSTAIRS. FORGET TO TAKE MY GLOVES OFF AND DRAG SOIL THROUGH ENTIRE HOUSE UPSTAIRS FOR A NAPPY…BREATH LISA BREATH.OK CHILD TWO HAS FRESH ARSE, NOW BACK OUTSIDE.WAIT WHAT IS CHILD TWO DOING? OH THAT’S RIGHT SHE’S BUILDING SOIL SANDCASTLES ON THE NEWLY LAID TURF. HONESTLY JUST WONDERFUL.RIGHT, NEED TO MOVE THIS BBQ OVER THAT WALL, SHAL I JUST BE A STRONG INDEPENDANT WOMEN AND DO IT OR WAIT FOR HELP? NO IVE GOT THIS….WHAT’S THAT, OH FUCK SHIT FUCK THE TOP OF THE WALL LANDED ON MY FOOT. IN FLIP FLOPS. (SEE PIC OF MY FOOT BELOW IF YOU GIVE A SHIT)RIGGGGGHT IN! AND THEY LAUGH AT ME. IN MY FACE! PURE LAUGHTER TWIT AND TWAT STRIKE AGAIN.LET’S NOW TRY SOME DINNER, HOY LOADS OF FOOD ON A PLATE N HOPE FOR THE BEST. OF COURSE THEY EAT THE LOT THEN CRY FOR MORE AND I USE THE SAME OLD PHRASE “SOME CHILDREN DON’T GET ANY FOOD AT ALL”AH 2OCLOCK, I KNOW I’LL PUT CHILD TWO DOWN FOR HIS NAP THEN GIVE CHILD ONE SOME ONE ON ONE TIME! MEGGGGGA PARENT POINTS  OR SHAL I GIVE HER THE TABLET AND DRINK ANOTHER COFFEE, LET’S BE HONEST THE LATTER WINS MOST DAYS.CHILD TWO IS AWAKE NOW. BACK TO SCREECHING AND FIGHTING!WHAT EVEN TIME IS IT? 3OCLOCK, AH WINE TIME. AFTER ALL DRUNK MAMMY IS WAY MORE FUN.

GERRRRIN HERE IS DADDY TO SAVE THE DAY AND ENTERTAIN BEFORE TEA. WHAT’S THAT? YOU’RE GOING OUT TO REPOT YOUR CHILLI PLANTS? ALONE? WITHOUT THE KIDS? FUCK ME MUST BE NICE.

5PM, Tea time COMES HAVE TO BRIBE CHILD ONE TO EAT IT, SHE GETS TO GO TO THE SHOP FOR CHOCOLATE IF SHE EATS IT. WE’VE ALL DONE IT. AND CONSIDERING I LIVE 50YRDS FROM A SHOP I THINK I’M VERY LUCKY AND SMART!HERE COMES HYPER HOUR BEFORE BED BOTH KIDS HAVE DECIDED TO STRIP OFF NAKE I WARN THEM AROUND 140 TIMES A DAY NOT TO DO THINGS WITH MY EMPTY THREATS. BY 5.30PM THEY ARE WARNED ONCE THEN I FOLLOW THROUGH.

SO… DON’T GO OUTSIDE NAKED OR I’LL LOCK YOUS OUT THERE. WELL TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT AGAIN, WE HAD TO LET THEM BACK IN UNFORTUNATELY, BUT CHILD TWO WAS THOUROUGHLY ENJOYING PISSING ON THE DECKING AND SPLASHING IN IT, EVERY CLOUD N ALL THAT.